Advice for Older Men: Personal Presentation

When it comes to attracting a romantic partner a lot of factors can come into play, but the first one to be noticed is usually physical appearance. As I’ve gotten to know more older gay men I’ve come to notice a number of common mistakes when it comes to personal presentation. In this post I’ll share some of the mistakes I’ve observed and examine what makes them an appearance no-no. Keep in mind, whether you’re just interested in a partner for pelvic pinochle or you’re in it for the long haul, proper personal presentation can start you off on the right foot.

The following are seven aspects of your appearance you should consider. The fashion considerations here don’t necessarily need to be applied to all aspects of your life, but should be applied when going out on a date or to functions where you’re likely to meet other available men. (or when you’re taking photos for that dating site you just joined). I have listed them, roughly, in order of increasing importance. If your having real trouble getting that cute young guy to pay any attention to you, perhaps you should skip to the bottom.

Accessories:

1. Glasses don’t have to be a detriment to your looks; they can even work to your advantage. Let’s face it, after we turn 40 our eyesight begins to go downhill. So, if you’re an older guy you’re probably sporting a pair of spectacles. This in and of itself shouldn’t be a concern, younger guys interested in the older crowd are going to expect this and will likely find glasses attractive anyway. That said, try to let the glasses you choose work for you. As a general rule smaller frames are better and choose a shape that contrasts slightly with the shape of your face; this can make you look smart and progressive. I’ve seen too many men with huge round frames that overwhelm their face.

2. Hat’s haven’t been a fashion necessity since the 1950s, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t different hats for different jobs. Do not use baseball caps as all purpose head wear. I know they’re easy, and they’re fine for outdoor activities or informal situations. However, I’ve seen men wear them while wearing a suit. If you’re going anywhere remotely nicely dressed, consider a more formal style of hat or none at all. It is understandable that many older men use hats to protect bald or balding heads, but do not rely on a hat to cover up the fact that your hair is thinning. More on that subject later. Finally, it is still polite to remove you’re hat while indoors, especially when eating or visiting someone’s home.

3. Men’s jewelry should be pretty innocuous, limited to a small number of understated pieces. Older gay men that abuse the use of jewelry seemingly fall into one of two groups: the pompous show-off playboy wannabe or the oblivious camp queen. If you’re wealthy you don’t have to show it off by draping yourself in jewelry. One or two choice items can express both your status and your good taste. On the other hand, if your tastes trend toward the eccentric and you’re on the look out for a younger guys I’d recommend tempering some of those tendencies. Limit yourself to a single unique piece, you’ll still express your personality but potential mates will be more likely to perceive you as quirky and fun rather than over the top.

Clothing:

4. Choose your wardrobe carefully, carelessness or apathy in choosing cloths can do a lot to diminish your physical appearance. We all like to throw on a comfy pair of jeans and an old polo shirt, but that just doesn’t cut it when you’re trying to attract someone. When shopping for new clothes make sure to only purchase things that fit properly; make sure the shoulders are the right width, shirts conform but aren’t too tight around the torso, pant waists are the right measurement, etc. Baggy or ill fitted clothes make you look as though you’re either sloppy or you’re trying to hide physical flaws. However, well fitted clothes, through the structure they provide, will enhance your better features but generally diminish flaws. When in doubt find a clothing retailer with knowledgeable clerks, they can help you find a fit that is right for your body and you can then apply what you learn when you shop at other establishments. It may also help to look at men’s fashion magazines, you don’t necessarily need to go for the high end clothes they’re modeling, but you can often find great hints on what’s in style and how to find a better fit.

5. Dress in age appropriate clothing. If their’s anything worse than someone who is oblivious to fashion, it is the older gay man that tries too hard to be fashionable. It is one thing to appear youthful for your age but some older gay men take this too far. I knew one gentleman in his 70s that wore tight printed t-shirts and heavily distressed jeans. This was an outfit expected out of a 30-something and may have been pulled off successfully by a fit 50-something but for this septuagenarian this trendy look really wasn’t working. He was a pleasant guy, in good shape, but such an attempt at youthful fashion wreaked of desperation. Dress nicely, find a style that complements your features and personality, but take care not to over reach toward being overly trendy.

Grooming:

6. Gray hair is sexy, please leave it just the way it is. Many men desperately attempt to hang on to youth as they age. One of the quickest, easiest, and most obvious ways they do this is by dying their hair. Unfortunately, dying one’s hair is also one of the quickest and easiest ways to reveal one’s own vanity and/or insecurity in their looks. Both of which are big turn-offs. Accept your graying hair, wear it with confidence, and you just might be rewarded with a young man running his fingers through them. If you do insist on dying your hair, keep in mind that course facial hair requires stronger dyes and so dyes more evenly and thus less natural looking than the hair on top of your head. You may want to lose the beard or mustache if you decide to keep your “natural” color on top of your head.

7. That hair piece isn’t fooling anyone. Much like the graying older man, the balding older man often wishes to deny the reality that, gasp, male pattern baldness is common in our species. Bald heads, like gray hair, can also be very sexy. Sean Connery anyone? Unfortunately, compensating for baldness through toupees or hair plugs is generally even less convincing than dyed hair. The fact that bald men cling on to their pieces though their friends, family, neighbors, dental hygienists, and anyone else that may happen to meet them that isn’t blind knows that they are bald illustrates the state of delusional self-denial some of these men can be in. If you are a bald or balding man it is ultimately best that you come to terms with that fact, accept it, and be honest to the rest of the world. Ultimately others will respect you more for it.

Closing Thoughts:

As I reflect on this post I have noticed that my list of common mistakes reflect two major themes. First, young men looking at potential older partners aren’t necessarily looking for physical perfection, at least not as it is commonly defined in our culture. But, they are more likely to me attracted to a man that attends to their looks. In part, self cultivation creates a more attractive package, but it also expresses a certain level of self assurance which in itself can be sexy. That leads us into the second theme. Older men often employ certain strategies to maintain their youthfulness that can be excessive or superficial. These strategies reveal insecurity and express a sense of desperation. Confidence and self-acceptance are really what men are looking for. We may desire certain physical traits, but they’re even more sexy when someone is comfortable in their own body.

I want to leave you with one final anecdote. My partner told me that he once confided in his son that he was considering getting hair plugs. (Yes, my partner is a sexy bald man.) His son responded “Oh dad, don’t do that you’ll be just like all those other tired old queens. Spend that money on a personal trainer.” Fortunately, my partner took his son’s advice. He started eating better, taking care of his skin, getting more physically active, and at times uses a personal trainer to focus his workout routine. Rather than taking the quick fix he took pride in himself and his body. When I look at old photos of him and compare that with how he is now, it’s not just the physical changes that are obvious but also that change in attitude. I respect my partner’s strong sense of self and it is one of the things that first made me so attracted to him.