Fall has pretty much embraced the whole of the United States by now.  The leaves have turned and where I live we’ve even had our first snowfall already.  For many this may signal the dreaded march into winter, but I embrace the change of the seasons.

Sure, I like the Fall colors, the crisp air, and the upcoming holidays, but as the seasons change I also observe a secret celebration.  The change from warm weather to cool signals a change of wardrobe for everyone.  And I confess it gives me hidden pleasure.  As cool weather approaches all those ill fitting t-shirts and tired khaki shorts go back in their drawers.

Soon I’m noticing that handsome older man at the grocery store is wearing a coal grey sweater that perfectly accents his blue eyes and silver hair, and my blood boils.  Winter wardrobes bring a bit of formality back to fashion that I find really sexy.  Somehow the mass change in clothing renews my sexual attraction to men.  Even John benefits from the seasonal make-over;  I find myself staring at his ass the first few times he dons his cords and he looks exceptionally handsome in his long-sleeve oxfords.

Of course this heightened sense of attraction is temporary and cyclical.  By the end of winter I’ll be bemoaning all the baggy sweatshirts and concealing coats.  As Spring comes I’ll celebrate seeing a little skin as those older men around town start to roll up their sleeves and unbutton their top button.  But until the novelty wears off I’ll take pleasure in all you handsome older men out there as you break out the fashionable winter duds.

What do you think about the change of seasons, do you take new notice of people due to the change in wardrobe?  Is their some other secret pleasure you derive from the coming of Fall?

Earlier this year I posted the first in a series of polls designed to help me get to know my audience better.  Getting to Know You: pt. 1 asked about your age, and it was interesting to see the breakdown of the ages of the visitors here.  I have posted a few other polls in the past, most ask questions about gay issues.  But, but this new series throws into that mix questions about you, my readers.  I encourage you to respond to all my posts with your questions, thoughts, and responses.  But if you’re uncomfortable with that I hope you’ll at least consider responding to these anonymous polls as they come along.  Ultimately, I hope this feedback will help me become a better blogger, better able to respond to issues that interest you.

Our second getting to know you poll is about sexual identity.

Please, feel free to leave further comments or expand on your response to today’s poll.  Also, below you can find links to other previous polls.  If you haven’t in the past, feel free to participate in or respond to them as well.

Questions on Infidelity

Coming Out Intergenerational

Would You Marry Your Partner

Greatest Age Difference With a Partner

Over time I have noted an interesting attitude in the dating pool, gay or straight.  This is the notion that people wouldn’t want to date someone who has previously been married, especially if they have children.  I think this stems from a desire not to compete for the love and attention of one’s partner.

However, since meeting John I’ve gotten to know quite a few older gay men of both types, previously married and not.  It may just be me, and it may warrant actual scientific study, but I think that many previously married gay men exhibit traits that make them equally desirable, if not more so, than their never-married counterparts.

I have noticed that older gay men that have been married tend to be less self oriented and seem better at compromise.  It seems that having a spouse and the responsibility of children forced these men to be more complex/mature problem solvers.  They also avoid the pettiness that is stereotypically associated with gay men.

In my relationship with John, his children have been the opposite of a liability.  To the contrary, they make me respect him more.  Though they might not fully accept me into the family, I recognize them as smart, interesting, and good natured people.  Their personal qualities as well as the way John interacts with them reflects well on the sort of person he is.

When my thoughts turn toward never-married gay men, I can think of so many that fixate on the superficial, themselves, or even worse their pets as a means of sublimating their desires for love and fulfillment.  Perhaps this is harsh, and certainly it doesn’t apply to all of those that have never married.  Nor would I advocate that it is necessary that young gay men marry women now in order to have fulfilling homosexual relationships later.

My model also doesn’t take in to account those gay men that have been in long term homosexual relationships; I suspect that a similar pattern would emerge in them as it does in the previously married men.  Unfortunately I know few gay couples that fit that model well; that is to say at least one of the men in most of the long term couples I know were previously married to women.

So far these thoughts are rather incomplete, but I thought I’d post them here and get your reactions.  So what do you think?  Do gay men that were previously married make better partner material?  What are the positives and negatives of dating gay men that once lived the straight life?  If you think I’m off the mark completely, don’t hesitate to let me know that too.

John and I have been together for two years now.  I’d like to think that we’ve moved into that phase we might call a “mature relationship”.  We’re very comfortable with each other, we usually know what to expect from each other from day to day, and we’ve passed the period where we need to be in each other’s presence 24/7.

There is something nice and reassuring about reaching that status in a relationship, but at the same time it can be a little frightening.  You wonder if you partner is as excited by you as he once was.  Are you stimulating enough for him, emotionally, mentally, sexually?  Or the same fears may arise about the relationship may crop up in the reverse, you might ask yourself whether this new “comfortable” phase is really what you want.  I have to admit that these questions have arisen in me from time to time.  Never in a soul-shaking sort of way, but as our relationship has evolved I’ve been self reflective.

Because of this I was particularly pleased today when John called me at work.  I asked him what he was up to this afternoon and he replied “I’ve been thinking about what you did to me last night”, referring to a new sexual position I initiated.  It excited and pleased me to think that even after two years there were times when I could get under my partner’s skin in a way that he’s still fantasizing about it the next day.

It’s surprising what a little change in routine or scenery can do for one’s sex life.  But, I wouldn’t credit our good sex life solely to sexual adventurism.  Openness about sexual desires and fantasies helped us be more trusting partners and have often provided fuel for our sexual fires, whether we act directly on those desires/fantasies or not.

For individuals entering any type of intimate relationship there is going to be some level of anxiety.  One is always concerned if the other party is going to like them.  However, for intergenerational couples these anxieties may come in the form of age or status related concerns.  Often these anxieties can be subliminal, not fully apparent to the individuals involved in the relationship.  By addressing these anxieties consciously, though, an individual can either move beyond them and let the relationship flourish, or identify incompatibilities that are irreconcilable and decide to move on.  Today I present to you five major points of anxiety for gay intergenerational couples.  I hope they serve as a starting point for self reflection for my readership as well as a conversation starter here at GtD.

Perception - Individuals within intergenerational couples are often concerned with the perceptions of others, particularly if they are entering their first age disparate relationship.  As I discussed in many of my early posts here, there are a number of stereotypes surrounding intergenerational couples.  This can lead to a lot of anxiety for those individuals, which can effect how they approach the relationship.  I remember fearing intensely the reactions of family and friends to the news that I had entered a relationship with someone much older than myself not to mention anxieties over the way strangers may treat us as well.  Outside societal pressure can definitely have negative impacts on ones relationship and until I came to the conclusion that I had to make my own decisions, I questioned what future John and I might have.

Opportunism - Both older partners and younger partners my have concerns that they are taken advantage of.  Is the younger partner simply using the older for financial gain?  Is the older with the younger merely for sexual reasons or for status within the gay community.  While the problem of opportunism can be a legitimate concern, and I would never encourage an individual to let themselves be taken advantage of, the charge of opportunism is a serious one and can be quite hurtful if not true.  Fully examine anxieties over opportunism, before acting upon them.

Performance - This is probably an anxiety felt more acutely by older men than younger men.  Incidence of decreased sexual function increases with age.  Some older men fixate on problems they may have with sexual function leading to anxiety about how that will effect the relationship or how the younger man may react.  To a lesser extent younger men may have some anxieties in this area, worried how they may measure up to previous partners in the love making department.

Autonomy - On the other hand anxieties over autonomy are more likely to touch the younger partner.  Older partners in intergenerational relationships are often more established financially and professionally, and may have a leg up in terms of their relationships with friends and family (i.e. how long they have been out and accepted by those groups).  For the younger individual this may pose a challenge to their independence and self authorship.  How do you cultivate a healthy relationship with someone that has already established their identity when you’re still working on yours?  At the same time the older partner may fear hindering their younger partner’s development, concerned they may hold the younger man back.

Rejection - Ultimately the anxiety we all share when we enter a new relationship is the fear of rejection.  The previous anxieties feed the fear of rejection as do other concerns.  The older man may fear that he not in good enough shape.  The younger man may fear that he’s not educated or experienced enough.  And because of these or other anxieties both parties ultimately have anxiety over rejection.  Early on every small argument and disagreement my feel like grounds for rejection.  Fortunately as time goes by, if all these anxieties are confronted and dealt with, that anxiety of rejection begins to fade and a stronger relationship is left in its place.

Faithful readers.  I apologize for my recent absence.  Recent weeks have seen an increased influx of responsibility for me at work.  Fortunately that all wraps up tomorrow.  After that my partner and I will be heading away for a well deserved week’s vacation in the tropics.  I’ve had a lot of new topics on my mind and have had a lot of interesting conversations with others about intergenerational issues.  I plan to come back with renewed vigor.  I’ll see you again in a week.

Earlier today John and I were driving downtown.  While we were stopped at a light I noticed some people, two hetero couples, in the car slightly behind us in the left lane.  They seemed to be staring at our car, or more specifically at us.  At first I thought they might be looking at John’s political bumper sticker, but they really seemed to be looking in our direction.  They were talking and seemingly making  jokes.

To be honest I can’t rationally figure out why they were looking at us.  We were just in the car, it isn’t as though we were together in a store or restaraunt where we are more obvious as a couple.  However I can’t shake the feeling that the people in the car were making fun of us.

Later that evening we had dinner in a restaurant that was populated by mostly thirty-somethings.  John mentioned that he felt really old in there.  At the same time I was thinking, I wish other young people could see in John what I see in him.

Recently the blog DoWhatYouLike had a post that posed several questions about infidelity and how we defined it.  You can see their original post here.  In responding to the post I ended up writing a comment that could almost stand alone.  I decided to repost that comment here and see what other people thought about the topic.

I think this question is a lot harder to answer than you might first think, and really depends on the couple. I recently read Dan Savage’s book The Commitment and then a few other writings on the topic of monogamy, fidelity, non-monogamy, and infidelity. Gay male couples (and some straight couples) don’t necessarily define fidelity by sexual exclusivity. It is the emotional commitment to their partner that they find the most compelling. However I think some are comforted by monogamy, finding that sexual exclusivity is the bellwether for a healthy relationship. However that might not be the case and it is a facade for problems that lie beneath the relationship. My point here is that there are different understandings about fidelity between different people and among different couples, and what works or is appropriate for one couple might not work for another. The most important part of broaching the touchy subject of fidelity is good communication. An individual in a couple needs to let their partner know where they feel comfortable placing the boundary of the relationship. If a husband is getting too emotionally close to a female coworker then that needs to be addressed. It’s not necessarily that the relationship needs to change, but that discussing the relationship can enhance the level of trust and understanding within the couple. Fear and recriminations are one of the greatest threats to the health of a couple.

Tell me. What are your thoughts on fidelity?  How do you/you and your partner define fidelity?  Is it fair or even possible to place the same criteria of fidelity on different couples, gay or straight? Also consider participating in the poll below.

Over the past week I reread Christopher Isherwood’s novel A Single Man.  It came up in the film Chris and Don , bringing the book back to my attention.  I had read it several years ago, before being in a relationship, and I knew the new context of my life with John as well as the film would give the book new meaning.  The book follows a day in the life of a middle aged gay man named George who has recently lost his partner in a car accident.  The internal life of George features heavily in the book, giving it an exceptional emotional gravity.

With that at the fore of my mind over the past week, I have been thinking quite a bit about the impact of aging and death on intergenerational relationships.  The issue of advanced age and death has to be one of the issues that looms largest in the minds of intergenerational couples, particularly in cases like John and mine where there are multiple decades difference in the couple’s ages.  It is quite clear, that no matter how compatible the couple is or how in love they are, there is an expiration date on the relationship.  The obvious questions arise from both inside and outside the couple:  What happens when the older partner become physically or mentally incapacitated?  What will the younger partner do when the older dies?  In a long term committed relationship between men of widely differing ages the phrase “till death do you part” becomes less a romantic gesture and more an ominous portent.

The issue of John’s advancing has come up a few times, but we haven’t discussed it at great length.  We are fortunate at the moment that he’s in great shape for his age, healthy and active.  But our age difference accentuates the fact that, most likely I’ll witness his decline well before I enter my own.  He’s mentioned that he may go back east to an assisted care facility near one of his sons.  I understand the reasoning, but this idea fills me with dread.  On the one hand they’ll likely have the resources financially or familial that I might not be able to provide.  They will certainly be better able to direct his care than I could here considering the legal and prejudicial hurdles I’m sure we would confront.  I also couldn’t fault either John or his children and grandchildren for wanting to be near each other in his final days.  However, I fear that I may not be able to follow him wherever he goes, but I’m deeply saddened at the thought of being away from him and he being away from me when he might need me the most.

I am also aware that I’ll face unique challenges after John’s passing.  John is such a huge part of my life, I know that when I lose him, no matter how it happens, I will be devastated.  Because of our unique relationship and our families’ skepticism of it, I fear that there won’t be much emotional support when he’s gone.  I vainly hope that I might maintain some small relationship with John’s kids; a continuing connection to this man I love, but I know it’s not likely to be.  I’ve also come to realize that, as a geographic transplant, John is central to my social network here.  Without him I fear isolation and depression.

I know that these concerns can’t be unique to John and I.   It is saddening to contemplate them, and to think that gay couples in general and intergenerational couples specifically seldom have institutions or traditions to turn to in confronting this part of our lives.  The bright side of all the morose contemplating I have been doing lately is that it has reinvigorated my love for John and reminded me that I can’t take him for granted; I don’t have the time.

I am now in my tenth month writing this little blog about intergenerational gay relationships.  I’ve written more than thirty posts, received almost forty comments, and have received more than 16,000 unique visits to the site.  As a WordPress blogger I have some fundamental resources to see what interests my readers and who you are.  I see what posts get the most visits, what search results bring readers here, and what other sites link to mine.

However, I still feel like my visitors are a bit of a mystery to me.  I have posted a few polls in the past, most ask questions about gay issues.  But, I’m going to start throwing into that mix questions about you, my readers.  I encourage you to respond to posts with your questions, thoughts, and responses.  But if you’re uncomfortable with that I hope you’ll at least consider responding to these anonymous polls as they come along.  Ultimately, I hope this feedback will help me become a better blogger, better able to respond to issues that interest you.  Our first getting to know you poll follows.