Notes on Being With a (Formerly) Married Man

Over time I have noted an interesting attitude in the dating pool, gay or straight.  This is the notion that people wouldn’t want to date someone who has previously been married, especially if they have children.  I think this stems from a desire not to compete for the love and attention of one’s partner.

However, since meeting John I’ve gotten to know quite a few older gay men of both types, previously married and not.  It may just be me, and it may warrant actual scientific study, but I think that many previously married gay men exhibit traits that make them equally desirable, if not more so, than their never-married counterparts.

I have noticed that older gay men that have been married tend to be less self oriented and seem better at compromise.  It seems that having a spouse and the responsibility of children forced these men to be more complex/mature problem solvers.  They also avoid the pettiness that is stereotypically associated with gay men.

In my relationship with John, his children have been the opposite of a liability.  To the contrary, they make me respect him more.  Though they might not fully accept me into the family, I recognize them as smart, interesting, and good natured people.  Their personal qualities as well as the way John interacts with them reflects well on the sort of person he is.

When my thoughts turn toward never-married gay men, I can think of so many that fixate on the superficial, themselves, or even worse their pets as a means of sublimating their desires for love and fulfillment.  Perhaps this is harsh, and certainly it doesn’t apply to all of those that have never married.  Nor would I advocate that it is necessary that young gay men marry women now in order to have fulfilling homosexual relationships later.

My model also doesn’t take in to account those gay men that have been in long term homosexual relationships; I suspect that a similar pattern would emerge in them as it does in the previously married men.  Unfortunately I know few gay couples that fit that model well; that is to say at least one of the men in most of the long term couples I know were previously married to women.

So far these thoughts are rather incomplete, but I thought I’d post them here and get your reactions.  So what do you think?  Do gay men that were previously married make better partner material?  What are the positives and negatives of dating gay men that once lived the straight life?  If you think I’m off the mark completely, don’t hesitate to let me know that too.

 

Top Five Anxieties When Entering an Intergenerational Relationship

For individuals entering any type of intimate relationship there is going to be some level of anxiety.  One is always concerned if the other party is going to like them.  However, for intergenerational couples these anxieties may come in the form of age or status related concerns.  Often these anxieties can be subliminal, not fully apparent to the individuals involved in the relationship.  By addressing these anxieties consciously, though, an individual can either move beyond them and let the relationship flourish, or identify incompatibilities that are irreconcilable and decide to move on.  Today I present to you five major points of anxiety for gay intergenerational couples.  I hope they serve as a starting point for self reflection for my readership as well as a conversation starter here at GtD.

Perception - Individuals within intergenerational couples are often concerned with the perceptions of others, particularly if they are entering their first age disparate relationship.  As I discussed in many of my early posts here, there are a number of stereotypes surrounding intergenerational couples.  This can lead to a lot of anxiety for those individuals, which can effect how they approach the relationship.  I remember fearing intensely the reactions of family and friends to the news that I had entered a relationship with someone much older than myself not to mention anxieties over the way strangers may treat us as well.  Outside societal pressure can definitely have negative impacts on ones relationship and until I came to the conclusion that I had to make my own decisions, I questioned what future John and I might have.

Opportunism - Both older partners and younger partners my have concerns that they are taken advantage of.  Is the younger partner simply using the older for financial gain?  Is the older with the younger merely for sexual reasons or for status within the gay community.  While the problem of opportunism can be a legitimate concern, and I would never encourage an individual to let themselves be taken advantage of, the charge of opportunism is a serious one and can be quite hurtful if not true.  Fully examine anxieties over opportunism, before acting upon them.

Performance - This is probably an anxiety felt more acutely by older men than younger men.  Incidence of decreased sexual function increases with age.  Some older men fixate on problems they may have with sexual function leading to anxiety about how that will effect the relationship or how the younger man may react.  To a lesser extent younger men may have some anxieties in this area, worried how they may measure up to previous partners in the love making department.

Autonomy - On the other hand anxieties over autonomy are more likely to touch the younger partner.  Older partners in intergenerational relationships are often more established financially and professionally, and may have a leg up in terms of their relationships with friends and family (i.e. how long they have been out and accepted by those groups).  For the younger individual this may pose a challenge to their independence and self authorship.  How do you cultivate a healthy relationship with someone that has already established their identity when you’re still working on yours?  At the same time the older partner may fear hindering their younger partner’s development, concerned they may hold the younger man back.

Rejection - Ultimately the anxiety we all share when we enter a new relationship is the fear of rejection.  The previous anxieties feed the fear of rejection as do other concerns.  The older man may fear that he not in good enough shape.  The younger man may fear that he’s not educated or experienced enough.  And because of these or other anxieties both parties ultimately have anxiety over rejection.  Early on every small argument and disagreement my feel like grounds for rejection.  Fortunately as time goes by, if all these anxieties are confronted and dealt with, that anxiety of rejection begins to fade and a stronger relationship is left in its place.

 

What They Say About Assumptions

Today I was thinking about when John and I first met. We had traded messages online a bit and decided to have an initial meeting at a local restaurant. In hindsight I wish I could remember the details of our first meeting more clearly. What exactly did we talk about, what were my initial reactions toward him, etc. I would love to reflect on those reactions now with some distance of time, but they elude me. However there are two instances from that first meeting that I remember quite clearly; the first of which illustrates that one shouldn’t make assumptions about age.

We first met outside the restaurant. When we went in we had to wait quite a while for a table. I the meantime we started talking about ourselves. I remember telling John about the masters program I had just finished and my academic background. After being seated, we continued talking about things like jobs, families, and other interests. It was clear to me early on that John was smart, well educated, and a serious minded person. Eventually the topic of conversation turned to film. I told him that my interests tended toward dramas and independent film. He told me he liked dramas also, along with foreign films and documentaries. Then he took me a little off guard by asking me what I had thought of the movie Borat. I had seen it for the first time pretty recently and found it pretty funny, but I immediately second guessed responding honestly. With his serious demeanor and at his age it didn’t occur to me that John would have reacted positively to the film; after all their had been so much controversy over people taking offense to the movie. I just imagined that he may have really hated the movie and found it sophomoric and that if I admitted to liking it too vehemently that it would reflect poorly on myself.

I resisted my urge to out-and-out dismiss the movie, but I also tempered my praise of the film. But, to my surprise John responded by saying how much he loved the movie. His face lit up when he talked about particular parts he liked. I was astounded, relieved, and impressed. I had met someone that was mature and intellectually curious but was capable of not always taking things too seriously. The man had a sense of humor. That little bit of trivia about John, that he loved Borat, actually became a little endearing trait that stood out. In a small way I think I was a little ashamed that I had assumed that John was “too old” for that type of movie. And in making such an assumption I easily could have become insincere in an attempt to impress him.

The rest of the dinner and conversation went relatively well. We parted ways in the restaurant parking lot. As the evening ended I wasn’t completely sure what to make of the meeting. John seemed nice, I found him attractive, we had some things in common, but throughout the conversation I found it difficult to read him, to know how he was reacting to me. That brings us to the second thing that happened that night that I can remember quite clearly. As I was heading away from the restaurant, reflecting on what had just happened, my phone rang. Before I was even out of the parking lot John was calling me. He was heading out of town for a week and he wanted me to give him my e-mail address so we could make plans while he was away to get together when he returned. After the call I was giddy with confidence and excitement. That call simultaneously signaled John’s interest in me and solidified my interest in him.

That night I met a man that I found could impress and surprise me. Thanks to my own little snafu over making assumptions I’ve tried not to take anything else for granted when it came to John. And so, I’ve gotten to see the world and learn about new things from his point of view. It is a vivid life he leads and I’ve been fortunate to get to take part in it.

 

Online Dating Profiles: Make Them Work For You

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I found online dating sites useful tools for meeting older men. Sites dedicated to older men and their admirers certainly narrow the field and can make meeting people with similar goals easier. But, whether you decide to use more general sites like Yahoo personals, an intergenerationally focused site like Silverdaddies, or something in between; how you present your profile will have the ultimate bearing on your success. Over the years of web assisted dating I have seen well written profiles and profiles that look like train wrecks. Based on my experience and conversations with others I’ve collected the following list of 10 criteria for creating a better online dating profile.

1. Determine what you want out of your profile. Are you searching for love or just lust? Perhaps you’re open to either. What ever your goals are, keep that in mind as you develop your profile and tailor it accordingly.

2. Post a profile photo. A major part of attraction is the physical element. Photos add personality and entice readers to respond to your profile. A profile without a photo seems very anonymous and abstract. That makes it difficult for people to feel like they can approach you. Also, because most dating sites allow users to search for only profiles with photos, your profile is far less likely to attract attention if you don’t include one. If you’re weary of posting pictures publicly, many sites offer private galleries or other means for you to share your photos with other users; I recommend you use these systems.

3. Choose your profile photos wisely. Depending on your goals for the profile you may want to present different types of photos. Choose photos that are flattering and present you honestly. If you’re honestly looking for a long term relationship then you may want to avoid using too many erotic photos. Instead choose photos that show off your personality or interests.

4. Be honest about your physical attributes. Most online dating profiles have areas in which you fill in your physical statistics. We all get a little self conscious about ourselves at times, but resist the temptation to lie about your stats. In the long run who ever you meet from the dating site will eventually find out your true age, weight, and height. Can you imagine anything worse than meeting “the one” and having to admit you initially lied to them?

5. Describe yourself and your interests using specifics. I have seen so many men describe themselves in generalities such as “a fun loving guy with a good sense of humor”. But what does that really tell you about the man, we would like to all think of ourselves that way. Instead focus on the specifics that might attract a mate. What hobbies do you have, where do you like to travel,what is your profession, what is your unique philosophy on life? Use details rather than generalities when writing your profile.

6. Clearly describe what you’re looking for in a mate. What is it you expect out of a mate? Do you want someone to grow old with or are you just looking for a casual date to go out with on the weekends? What interests do you hope they will share with you? Elaborate on a few things you hope to find in a potential partner, but try not to appear that you’re limiting people of other interests from contacting you.

7. Insert at least one “hook” in your profile. Try to find at least one thing to really make stand out in your profile. For instance this could be an attention grabbing photo in your gallery such as you on your last trip abroad, participating in your favorite hobby, etc. Or you may want to describe in your profile text something really unique about yourself or something interesting. Try to think of something that might make a good conversation starter, something that makes people want to ask you questions or introduce themselves because they have a shared interest.

8. Stay positive. When searching for potential mates it is easy to become frustrated. You may encounter lots of people that rub you the wrong way or that your just not interested in. However, avoid the tendency to make your profile a laundry list of dislikes. A profile with a negative attitude can be a real turn-off even to those you’re not targeting. State what you’re looking for rather than what you wish to avoid.

9. Proofread for grammar, clarity, and length. We’re not all English majors, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our best to make our profiles as accurate as we can. But, perhaps more importantly, make sure your profile is concise. At most it really should only be a few paragraphs in length, any longer and you run the risk of your reader getting bored. Besides you want to save something for the conversation on your first date.

10. Update your profile regularly. If you use an online profile over a long period of time you should review it every four to six months and make sure everything is up to date. This will help keep your profile honest and accurate. I also recommend changing your profile photos every few months. If you weren’t having luck with your old photos, new ones make spark renewed interest in your profile.