The Joy of Seasonal Change

Fall has pretty much embraced the whole of the United States by now.  The leaves have turned and where I live we’ve even had our first snowfall already.  For many this may signal the dreaded march into winter, but I embrace the change of the seasons.

Sure, I like the Fall colors, the crisp air, and the upcoming holidays, but as the seasons change I also observe a secret celebration.  The change from warm weather to cool signals a change of wardrobe for everyone.  And I confess it gives me hidden pleasure.  As cool weather approaches all those ill fitting t-shirts and tired khaki shorts go back in their drawers.

Soon I’m noticing that handsome older man at the grocery store is wearing a coal grey sweater that perfectly accents his blue eyes and silver hair, and my blood boils.  Winter wardrobes bring a bit of formality back to fashion that I find really sexy.  Somehow the mass change in clothing renews my sexual attraction to men.  Even John benefits from the seasonal make-over;  I find myself staring at his ass the first few times he dons his cords and he looks exceptionally handsome in his long-sleeve oxfords.

Of course this heightened sense of attraction is temporary and cyclical.  By the end of winter I’ll be bemoaning all the baggy sweatshirts and concealing coats.  As Spring comes I’ll celebrate seeing a little skin as those older men around town start to roll up their sleeves and unbutton their top button.  But until the novelty wears off I’ll take pleasure in all you handsome older men out there as you break out the fashionable winter duds.

What do you think about the change of seasons, do you take new notice of people due to the change in wardrobe?  Is their some other secret pleasure you derive from the coming of Fall?

 

Notes on Being With a (Formerly) Married Man

Over time I have noted an interesting attitude in the dating pool, gay or straight.  This is the notion that people wouldn’t want to date someone who has previously been married, especially if they have children.  I think this stems from a desire not to compete for the love and attention of one’s partner.

However, since meeting John I’ve gotten to know quite a few older gay men of both types, previously married and not.  It may just be me, and it may warrant actual scientific study, but I think that many previously married gay men exhibit traits that make them equally desirable, if not more so, than their never-married counterparts.

I have noticed that older gay men that have been married tend to be less self oriented and seem better at compromise.  It seems that having a spouse and the responsibility of children forced these men to be more complex/mature problem solvers.  They also avoid the pettiness that is stereotypically associated with gay men.

In my relationship with John, his children have been the opposite of a liability.  To the contrary, they make me respect him more.  Though they might not fully accept me into the family, I recognize them as smart, interesting, and good natured people.  Their personal qualities as well as the way John interacts with them reflects well on the sort of person he is.

When my thoughts turn toward never-married gay men, I can think of so many that fixate on the superficial, themselves, or even worse their pets as a means of sublimating their desires for love and fulfillment.  Perhaps this is harsh, and certainly it doesn’t apply to all of those that have never married.  Nor would I advocate that it is necessary that young gay men marry women now in order to have fulfilling homosexual relationships later.

My model also doesn’t take in to account those gay men that have been in long term homosexual relationships; I suspect that a similar pattern would emerge in them as it does in the previously married men.  Unfortunately I know few gay couples that fit that model well; that is to say at least one of the men in most of the long term couples I know were previously married to women.

So far these thoughts are rather incomplete, but I thought I’d post them here and get your reactions.  So what do you think?  Do gay men that were previously married make better partner material?  What are the positives and negatives of dating gay men that once lived the straight life?  If you think I’m off the mark completely, don’t hesitate to let me know that too.

 

Old Dogs, New Tricks

John and I have been together for two years now.  I’d like to think that we’ve moved into that phase we might call a “mature relationship”.  We’re very comfortable with each other, we usually know what to expect from each other from day to day, and we’ve passed the period where we need to be in each other’s presence 24/7.

There is something nice and reassuring about reaching that status in a relationship, but at the same time it can be a little frightening.  You wonder if you partner is as excited by you as he once was.  Are you stimulating enough for him, emotionally, mentally, sexually?  Or the same fears may arise about the relationship may crop up in the reverse, you might ask yourself whether this new “comfortable” phase is really what you want.  I have to admit that these questions have arisen in me from time to time.  Never in a soul-shaking sort of way, but as our relationship has evolved I’ve been self reflective.

Because of this I was particularly pleased today when John called me at work.  I asked him what he was up to this afternoon and he replied “I’ve been thinking about what you did to me last night”, referring to a new sexual position I initiated.  It excited and pleased me to think that even after two years there were times when I could get under my partner’s skin in a way that he’s still fantasizing about it the next day.

It’s surprising what a little change in routine or scenery can do for one’s sex life.  But, I wouldn’t credit our good sex life solely to sexual adventurism.  Openness about sexual desires and fantasies helped us be more trusting partners and have often provided fuel for our sexual fires, whether we act directly on those desires/fantasies or not.

 

Questions on Infidelity

Recently the blog DoWhatYouLike had a post that posed several questions about infidelity and how we defined it.  You can see their original post here.  In responding to the post I ended up writing a comment that could almost stand alone.  I decided to repost that comment here and see what other people thought about the topic.

I think this question is a lot harder to answer than you might first think, and really depends on the couple. I recently read Dan Savage’s book The Commitment and then a few other writings on the topic of monogamy, fidelity, non-monogamy, and infidelity. Gay male couples (and some straight couples) don’t necessarily define fidelity by sexual exclusivity. It is the emotional commitment to their partner that they find the most compelling. However I think some are comforted by monogamy, finding that sexual exclusivity is the bellwether for a healthy relationship. However that might not be the case and it is a facade for problems that lie beneath the relationship. My point here is that there are different understandings about fidelity between different people and among different couples, and what works or is appropriate for one couple might not work for another. The most important part of broaching the touchy subject of fidelity is good communication. An individual in a couple needs to let their partner know where they feel comfortable placing the boundary of the relationship. If a husband is getting too emotionally close to a female coworker then that needs to be addressed. It’s not necessarily that the relationship needs to change, but that discussing the relationship can enhance the level of trust and understanding within the couple. Fear and recriminations are one of the greatest threats to the health of a couple.

Tell me. What are your thoughts on fidelity?  How do you/you and your partner define fidelity?  Is it fair or even possible to place the same criteria of fidelity on different couples, gay or straight? Also consider participating in the poll below.