For individuals entering any type of intimate relationship there is going to be some level of anxiety. One is always concerned if the other party is going to like them. However, for intergenerational couples these anxieties may come in the form of age or status related concerns. Often these anxieties can be subliminal, not fully apparent to the individuals involved in the relationship. By addressing these anxieties consciously, though, an individual can either move beyond them and let the relationship flourish, or identify incompatibilities that are irreconcilable and decide to move on. Today I present to you five major points of anxiety for gay intergenerational couples. I hope they serve as a starting point for self reflection for my readership as well as a conversation starter here at GtD.
Perception - Individuals within intergenerational couples are often concerned with the perceptions of others, particularly if they are entering their first age disparate relationship. As I discussed in many of my early posts here, there are a number of stereotypes surrounding intergenerational couples. This can lead to a lot of anxiety for those individuals, which can effect how they approach the relationship. I remember fearing intensely the reactions of family and friends to the news that I had entered a relationship with someone much older than myself not to mention anxieties over the way strangers may treat us as well. Outside societal pressure can definitely have negative impacts on ones relationship and until I came to the conclusion that I had to make my own decisions, I questioned what future John and I might have.
Opportunism - Both older partners and younger partners my have concerns that they are taken advantage of. Is the younger partner simply using the older for financial gain? Is the older with the younger merely for sexual reasons or for status within the gay community. While the problem of opportunism can be a legitimate concern, and I would never encourage an individual to let themselves be taken advantage of, the charge of opportunism is a serious one and can be quite hurtful if not true. Fully examine anxieties over opportunism, before acting upon them.
Performance - This is probably an anxiety felt more acutely by older men than younger men. Incidence of decreased sexual function increases with age. Some older men fixate on problems they may have with sexual function leading to anxiety about how that will effect the relationship or how the younger man may react. To a lesser extent younger men may have some anxieties in this area, worried how they may measure up to previous partners in the love making department.
Autonomy - On the other hand anxieties over autonomy are more likely to touch the younger partner. Older partners in intergenerational relationships are often more established financially and professionally, and may have a leg up in terms of their relationships with friends and family (i.e. how long they have been out and accepted by those groups). For the younger individual this may pose a challenge to their independence and self authorship. How do you cultivate a healthy relationship with someone that has already established their identity when you’re still working on yours? At the same time the older partner may fear hindering their younger partner’s development, concerned they may hold the younger man back.
Rejection - Ultimately the anxiety we all share when we enter a new relationship is the fear of rejection. The previous anxieties feed the fear of rejection as do other concerns. The older man may fear that he not in good enough shape. The younger man may fear that he’s not educated or experienced enough. And because of these or other anxieties both parties ultimately have anxiety over rejection. Early on every small argument and disagreement my feel like grounds for rejection. Fortunately as time goes by, if all these anxieties are confronted and dealt with, that anxiety of rejection begins to fade and a stronger relationship is left in its place.
July 31, 2009 at 1:28 pm
I realised, i’m going back to him and I will never leave him alone in his olderage.
August 5, 2009 at 10:04 am
I’m 41 and my bf is 21. We’ve been making a serious go at it, since he first came at me, some 18 months ago. I am surprised everyday at the dynamics in our relationship – since I never noticed younger men. I was always the boy seeking a daddy. Found your blog as I was searching for some information and support. Thank you for this. Keep it up.