Recently the blog DoWhatYouLike had a post that posed several questions about infidelity and how we defined it. You can see their original post here. In responding to the post I ended up writing a comment that could almost stand alone. I decided to repost that comment here and see what other people thought about the topic.
I think this question is a lot harder to answer than you might first think, and really depends on the couple. I recently read Dan Savage’s book The Commitment and then a few other writings on the topic of monogamy, fidelity, non-monogamy, and infidelity. Gay male couples (and some straight couples) don’t necessarily define fidelity by sexual exclusivity. It is the emotional commitment to their partner that they find the most compelling. However I think some are comforted by monogamy, finding that sexual exclusivity is the bellwether for a healthy relationship. However that might not be the case and it is a facade for problems that lie beneath the relationship. My point here is that there are different understandings about fidelity between different people and among different couples, and what works or is appropriate for one couple might not work for another. The most important part of broaching the touchy subject of fidelity is good communication. An individual in a couple needs to let their partner know where they feel comfortable placing the boundary of the relationship. If a husband is getting too emotionally close to a female coworker then that needs to be addressed. It’s not necessarily that the relationship needs to change, but that discussing the relationship can enhance the level of trust and understanding within the couple. Fear and recriminations are one of the greatest threats to the health of a couple.
Tell me. What are your thoughts on fidelity? How do you/you and your partner define fidelity? Is it fair or even possible to place the same criteria of fidelity on different couples, gay or straight? Also consider participating in the poll below.
March 29, 2009 at 10:56 pm
As always, you’ve managed to hit a topic I’m sure many couples struggle with. The topic is: “How do you define something as difficult as fidelity?”
It’s essential for two people to communicate this between themselves in order to have a beneficial relationship. Without talking about their individual ideas on the subject, they’ll eventually run into a situation where one person might find an action suitable while the other may not. For example, I know individuals that are fine with their partner “looking” at others whether it be in person or online in dating sites/adult material. They don’t see that as an infringement of the emotional connection the two have.
However, other couples have decided amongst themselves that the emotional and physical connection must remain exclusive with little or no involvement of others in order to preserve their relationship.
As far as my beliefs go, when I enter a relationship I make sure the other knows how I feel and how I do not want him being physically connected with another man. I’m not against innocent flirting, but I prefer my partner to be exclusive. However, I’ve never seen the wrong in other ways of defining fidelity. As long as such an arrangement works within a relationship, what’s the problem with it?