Over the Christmas holiday I returned to the American South to visit my family. This was the first visit back since I came out to my parents and told them about my relationship with a man more than forty years my senior. I plan to write a post about my experience of coming out to my parents, but I want to take a little more time to reflect on my most recent visit.
In addition to this visit, John and I recently watched the film Milk. In it we see Harvey Milk imploring his gay compatriots to come out, that only by being visible will the gay community make any political progress. In one scene he almost forces one of his campaign aids to call his parents to come out.
Combined, these events have had me thinking about and reflecting on coming out quite a bit lately. I first started coming out to friends about ten years ago. The first person I told was a mere acquaintance, a young woman that lived in my freshman dorm. Over the years I’ve found it easier and easier to come out to people. But, I remember having a very difficult time coming out to friends from high school that had known me a long time and it took me a long time and a change in personal circumstances to finally come clean with my parents.
For those of us who are attracted to individuals who are significantly older or younger than ourselves, an additional challenge is thrown into the process of coming out. I had lots of friends to whom I had come out to, but never told them about my attraction to older men. After I became involved with John, I realized I had to, in a way, come out a second time. I had the same sort of anxiety telling these friends about my attraction to older men as I did when I first came out. However, by far I worried most about my parents’ reaction to my intergenerational relationship.
For you, who do you think will be, or was, the most difficult to tell about your attraction to individuals of a much different age? Feel free to leave a comment as well as respond to the poll below.
January 15, 2009 at 11:16 pm
I googled intergenerational gay relationship, and your blog came up. First off, thanks for sharing. Next, I think it’s important to show different dimensions of intergenerational relationships. My partner is 20 years older than me. It’s not like you and John, but I perceive that people around me think 20 is huge.
In general, I don’t think I need to explain to people why I am not attracted to men my own age. If they were closed-minded, I choose to think it’s their issue, not mine. They take me as a friend the way I am, and I come with the “entire package,” including what I like, what I don’t like, who my spouse is, and what kind of person he is. It would be great if they like him, but we all have own opinions about one another. I try to use my energy on only positive things and thoughts.
I did find it a bit awkward to have to come out “again” when I joined Facebook. I did not come out when I was in high school back home, and then I came to the US when I was almost 21. For the most part I left my teenage years behind, and I only came out to a handful of friends in letters later on. When I joined Facebook a year or two ago, people I went to high school with started reconnecting with me. I had not been in touch with them for 15+ years, and suddenly they found out I was gay and claimed that I was married on my profile (technically I am not; Dennis and I only registered for domestic partnership. But on Facebook there’s no option for DP). It was weird for me to have to admit (more so to myself than to them) that I was covering my sexuality the whole I was hanging out with them when we were in school. I don’t care if they accepted my being gay now, but I thought it was still uneasy for me to have to look back at the life I used to live.
Dennis and I are in an intergenerational relationship as well as an interracial one. It’s like being a minority member in our society to the nth degree. Still, from day to day I think we just live our life, do our thing, and people get to see we are who we are. The attraction needs no justification; I think what we need is the awareness of various types of spousal issues related to age. I liked your posting about meeting with other friends who might not share the same interests. I also think that over time I had to familiarize myself with a different set of health issues Dennis’ age group faces. Financial outlooks and expectations had to be discussed, especially after the honeymoon period.
As for the parents, it’s probably completely case by case. When I came out to my mother, I was already with my ex, who was 15 years older. It was hard for her on multiple levels, but it was also all done together. It took her three years to get through everything and began to be willing to open her eyes to see and acknowledge that my ex and I were as “normal” as any couples could be. We had the same kind of love, and we had the same set of typical spousal quarrels and challenges. The age difference did not define our relationship.
So I wish you good luck, and keep up with the good work.
January 16, 2009 at 9:58 am
Thank you for sharing your perspective on intergenerational relationships. It’s great to hear other voices to speaking on the subject. Best wishes to you and Dennis as well.
November 3, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Congratulation !!! That was so nice. Now, I am more confident and I am happy to know that I am not alone. True Love waits guys … I still hope I could find that someone who will hold my hand until my hair gets white.
Advance Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !!!